Son, you as an individual may definitely be plural but your journey in this life is without a doubt singular. Most importantly – your journey in learning. Do not confuse the people who counsel, guide or teach you as people who are going to walk with you till the end of your adventure. These people are set on their own paths and it just so happened that their paths intersected with yours. You should feel lucky that you had the opportunity of learning something from them. There will be a lot of people who will have something to say, something to judge. But what matters the most is what – you – make out of it.
You are the one who is responsible for the direction your journey takes. If you end up at a dead end, its on you. If you end up on a never ending straight road, its on you. If you end up on a bumpy road, its on you. If you end up on an unmarked lawless road, its on you. If you end up on a 12 lane express highway with a jaw-dropping landscape, its still just on you. What I am trying to tell you is that – you own your own path; not me, not your friends, not your mentor, not your worst enemy, not even your lover – just you.
Learn to be who you are, but first, understand yourself.
PS – The female picture is intentional, despite the post being addressed to a ‘son’.
Take a bottle of soda and shake it up. What happens? Pressure in the bottle increases and pushes against every corner of the vessel to release the excess energy created. Now, should you try to open the cap and let the pressure out or should you just let the bottle be and allow time for the pressure inside the bottle to settle? Which one is the better option? Hmmm…
If you open the cap before the pressure settles, not only does the pressure release but it also takes the liquid out of the bottle; what a waste. However, if you let the pressure settle and then open up the bottle, you save on that liquid! So is the best option to just let the bottle be and allow time for the pressure to settle?
Relationships undergoing a tough time are the same as this pressurized bottle. The liquid is the goodness of the relationship and the pressure is the stress in a relationship due to factors external to the relationship: someone shaking the bottle? When in distress, the natural instinct we all have is to find an escape goat and, run! But is that the best option? Or is the best option to just allow time and let the stress and emotions settle and then open the cap for some discussions.
An Individual is Plural is a short post on my attempt to get a point across as to why people are so complicated. If you have not read that post, I recommend you do before going any further. There is just so much going on inside each one of us that working with people can be an uphill task for most.
If your work involves working with people; partnership, networking, coaching or leading – managing your conflicts is without doubt the most important skill that people must muster, no matter what your professional domain. This becomes the very basic skill set required for the job. It can be a make or break for your career, dreams and aspirations. Take it seriously and maintain a good humor, a positive outlook
It is a lot easier to change yourself than it is to change another person. My approach to conflict management is not to manage the other person or the situation at large. Instead, with my 5 points below, it is to try and recast yourself and your perception of the situation. Which would then in-turn change your attitude and your behavior towards the case. The idea is not to manage the situation but to lead the situation away from unproductive talks to productivity talks. And in conflicts, it only takes one person to lead and break the cycle. Be that person.
Be the leader to break the cycle
Things you should realize –
Give yourself the benefit of doubt of not knowing it all – be humble. Ask other people for their opinion and respect it.
Give some breathing room to the other person. If you are not getting the right attitude, may be the person is not having a good day. Respect that and end the meeting on a good note: postpone it to another date.
Be an external observer – this needs practice. Learn to observe a situation outside of your ‘self’. This will give you a unique view of the situation that will put things into a wider and better perspective.
If someone verbally attacks you, do not react. You can make things a lot worse by just reacting. This is when you start talking less, and listening more. It does not matter whether you agree or disagree. Learn to listen without feeling the need to pass a judgement. If someone is getting aggressive it means they feel hurt and you ought to listen and sympathies.
Never Ever blame the person. The conversations you have should always be in the tone of blaming the situation or the process. This takes the stress away from the other person and they will be less defensive. Once their defenses are down, its all about working as one team. This is truly an art to master.
Team!
Concluding note – when a ship enters a storm, it did not deliberately set course for it. But the fact is the crew is in it and needs to get out alive – all hands on deck! The job of the captain is to lead the crew to safety. Not by battling with the crew, but by calmly leading the crew to the right course and navigating the ship out of danger. This can be achieved by a leader and not a boss.
I do often argue, the captain should have ensured the ship never got caught in the storm in the first place!
Two people meet and they instantly feel connected. With a deep desire to always want to be around one another. They both feel their hearts to beat together. They ‘feel’ each other’s warmth from thousands of kilometers away. They both believe all the romantic songs in the world were written just for the two of them. Even the ones written in a language they do not understand. Mornings are not good mornings if a “good morning honey” message was not sent. Not wanting to go out for a gathering if the other is not coming! Hell, if one of them is not well, the other also feels a little sick. After all, there is a deep spiritual connection here. Getting a last-minute message before a party “babe, I cannot make it to the party, have work to do” and the other persons whole world comes crashing down onto that single message: this one might be a mans point of view! If all of this is not too much, both, somehow manage to convince themselves that they are ‘soulmates’. Awww!
All of the above is not a relationship, let alone the tittle of this post, companionship.
You beg to differ? Well, obviously you do. You are thinking about the honeymoon period in a relationship. You like that period so much that you probably have managed to convince your self that the entire relationship should be a honeymoon period. And if you or your spouse does not feel that same sense of attraction throughout, then, this is not meant to be. That, for some reason all of a sudden – after all that drama – this person is not your soulmate. Even if you are one of those grounded people to whom flying high – aka honeymoon period – is not required, you both end up taking one another for granted. What happens next? Falling stars come crashing down, BOOM! Its over. Not the world, the relationship. Duh!
Do we all not wish that the honeymoon period would just go on – forever! Let’s grow up now shall we. Ah crap! Do we have to? Anyways, fact is, people get used to one another. The spark that initially started this dies out and what is left over is a flame so deep in each other’s life that it may just end up being ignored or in other words, be taken for granted. The death of the spark is the start of the downfall of this partnership.
Fights break out over issues as silly as “you do not care for me anymore, no seriously, I feel it from the bottom of my heart. Things are just not the same. Are you having an affair? OMG!” Seriously? Does not care for you? You feel it from the bottom of your heart? Where exactly is that? People fail to see that there is a flame deep inside each of them. It was started by the initial spark. The problem is, the flame is so deep inside, that people often do not sense its presence. Something like the core of the earth. It’s there, and its hot. But you do not feel it! Thank god! This flame, is nothing else but care, love and affection towards the other. It is so deep and hot that when challenged by a third person it is capable of being an arsonist bitch. All you need to do, is fan it a little!
Okay, let’s get to the point here. The approach I am thinking of is the more sustainable approach to this partnership – companionship. Companionship, is all about two incomplete individuals with their own set of problems and aspirations who decide to stick together, against all the odds. Read this line again, and emphasis on the word ‘against all the odds’.
It’s an alliance forged on the promise of unconditional support. Where you both are there for each other no matter what. You defend each other even in the absence of your better half. It’s a connection that requires no word and a subtle look does the job! Where you are constantly thinking about the others preferences and are willing to make the necessary adjustments for the other; I chose not to use the word sacrifice and rather use the word adjustments, ask me why. Where decisions change in a split second when you hear what, your better half has to say. Where you both always share a side look while in the middle of a gathering. A team, that cannot be divided or ruled upon by anyone else, but the two of you. Where you both take comfort just by knowing the other is there nearby. Where you both look eagerly for your next meeting. Where energy levels reach another height when you both are together. Companionship is built of respect for one another and trust that the other person feels the same. Trust, that needs to be earned.
If he/she takes a step, you take a step. Companionship cannot be one sided. It is built on the principle of mutual co-existence. Achieved only when both the players show interest. By taking an interest in letting the other know “hey! yes, I feel something too!”. This is not where the man needs to impress the girl or the girl impress the man. This is where the dots just, I must use this word, magically, connect!
Companionship will also have to start from a spark. A spark that will mark the beginning of the honeymoon period. And its death will mark its end. Just like before, this spark will leave behind that deep flame in both of you. The question is, do you know how to harvest this flame?
In companionship, you both are friends first and lovers later. You both respect each other and treat each other equally. There is no ‘man job’ or ‘woman job’ but only ‘our job’ and that needs to be shared equally. You both give each other’s lives equal respect and work as partners to ensure each other’s priorities are taken care off. When two incomplete individuals come together to mask or, help overcome each other’s incompleteness and help in achieving their respective goals – this is companionship. This – is a team. Its them against the world. And naturally, given the mutual respect and maturity of this relationship, they will find a way to harvest this deep flame and not ignore it.
A boy, looks for love and a man looks for companionship. The man is smart. He knows, companionship comes with love. The difference, in companionship you both are equal partners who need to learn to respect each other. In companionship, you help each other grow in life.
You arrived on this planet alone and you will depart it alone. What is good to have during this journey, is someone who is first; a friend, a mentor, the wisest critic and your lover later. Achieving this requires a change. A change in who you are as a person.
Disclaimer – The below is a brief evocative description of a fictional concept. The goal of the below writing is to communicate what a confident, united self is not.
You and I seem to be the same person and yet we are different at so many levels.
You are someone who freely thinks and feels. You openly agree or freely disagree to whatever it is that comes first to your mind. You need not worry of what others might think as you never voice your thoughts. You take comfort in the chaos of my mind and the fact that whatever comes from my mouth is my accountability and not yours. You stay hidden deep inside my mind scratching the walls of my patience and fiddling with all the gossip I gather everyday to feed that enormous yearning of yours for generating that bullshit. Bullshit that you whisper back into my conscious and make me debate with you, debate with MYSELF.
Whoever on earth gave birth to such a diabolic self. A self within me that drives me to madness over the various views of life; of what is and what is not, of who is right and who is wrong, of what should be and what should not be, of what is the way forward and what is not the way forward.
I say stop it. I say simplify the whole process. I say stop self conflicting and lets take a stand on what our principles are. Lets learn the art to stay calm and focused and not assume. For a united you and me is the way forward to a stronger us – to a stronger me.
Let me put it out there at the very beginning of this post – Being lazy is OKAY!
You do not want to do something because its too tedious? Some work that is so robotic doing it makes you feel your brain is shrinking? Something that needs to be done but it’s just so boring that your hands refuse to move?
It’s okay – do not do it! However, the obvious questions that then arises – how do we differentiate the people who will succeed in life with this attitude and the people who will not?
The underline difference comes between the type of laziness you have; productive laziness or unproductive laziness?
Being lazy is showing a disinterest in doing some task. If we were motivated in completing the task the question of being lazy would not come up at all. Laziness could be caused by the lack of will or the limitation of your skill. Either ways, both should be treated as a scope for your opportunity.
Being lazy is okay, till the time you ensure smartness compensates for it. Do not want to do a particular task the given way? Perhaps you feel the current way of doing it is not the best – simply put its the most ridiculous thing you have ever heard! Smartness, would be in finding another more efficient way of getting the same job done. This does not only compensate for your laziness but also makes you an innovator.
Now that’s a badge you will want to carry everywhere.
You should be aware of the reasons for your laziness. A lot of time it’s just pure laziness, which is not wanting to do something because you are simply not willing to do it. It’s not a question of skill but a feeling in which to just sit and stare at the wall is more interesting.
In such a case, you need to ask yourself if this task is really important to you. If it is then it should be reason enough for you to get up and complete the job but if you beg to differ, on the importance of the task, then you got some serious self assessment to do on where your life is heading. Why are you thinking and streassing about tasks that are not important to you? You need to come up with an action plan that will have you do things that are more important to you.
Laziness can also sometime be a direct result your inability to do the job itself. Now this can be a daunting situation to deal with. The primary objective of a self assessment here is not to figure out if the job is important to you or not, but how to acquire the skills required. This can becomes a firefighting scene if the timeline for the completion of the job is just around the corner. Determination and focus, these are the two traits that are tested to your limits. I cannot sugar quote this in anyway, but you really got to put your head down and firefight your way out. Look for resources and people that can help you!
Laziness is a limitation only if you lack the perspective. Otherwise, it can be the opportunity that changes your life.
